wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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