im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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