Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
