drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
