I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
