everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
There r osticjed everywhere
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The power of my boobs compel you
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
