tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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