Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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