Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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