I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
3pm strippers are depressing
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
