i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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