If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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