You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you inspire me to be a worse person
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
