the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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