Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
