I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
