you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
