What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
