somebody snuck up and got me drunk
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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