Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
