It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
