WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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