I'm gonna have a badass scar
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
