So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
