I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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