Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
