My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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