Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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