it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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