it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
