RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize