True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
