i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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