I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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