Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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