nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
