I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
