My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
