I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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