If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
