Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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