The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
