I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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