Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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