my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
