he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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