i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
