I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
