if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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