I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
