a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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