I looked at my own cervix.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
