Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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