Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
