everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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