Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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