It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
