why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
