I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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