I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
