Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
