there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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