Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
